To those who I know in the LDS Church (i.e. Mormon) who are active and believing, I first want to thank you for reaching out. I appreciate you coming to the source to understand why I have made the religious decisions I have instead of listening to what others might be saying.
In writing this essay, I have purposely left out any references to specific church doctrines, members or leaders that the LDS Church has. This is in an effort to build understanding of where I am at spiritually rather than debate issues. Again, I thank you for the time it takes you to read this and hope our relationship is enhanced as a result.
The Three Brother Goets Tough
A long time ago, back in the day when farming was the base of the economy for humanity, there lived a man named Jonathon Troll. He had an unfortunate last name, for trolls truly did roam the land back then and anyone unfortunate enough to come across one was sure to have a frightful, and possibly life-threatening experience. Nevertheless, the jest that Jonathon’s last name might have encouraged among his fellow villagers never blossomed simply because of his good character and empathy. In fact, if a person ever needed help, it was often Jonathon who would be among the first to provide aid.
Jonathon was a young man, orphaned as a child and raised by an aunt who struggled to make ends meet. As such, he had little to show for his name. Yet, he had a desire for success and longed for a tract of land he could farm and bring a better, more stable life to both himself and his aunt. He worked at whatever jobs he could and made a concerted effort to save his pay. When a position came up for employment at the mine, he was hired and it gave him yet another opportunity to sock funds away for a land purchase.
Working at the mine was grueling – the hours were long and the work was nothing short of back breaking. But it went well for some months and Jonathon and his aunt were excited to see the pot of savings growing more rapidly than it ever had been. Surely, buying farmland was not too far off in their future. Unfortunately, however, it was not to be. A cave-in at the mine caught Jonathon in its crosshairs. Though he was hailed as a hero after the incident due to his role in helping fellow miners escape, it left him seriously injured and much of the hard-earned savings was drained on his recovery.
Jonathon found that he would never recover 100% - it was now hard for him to stand for any length of time making both mining and farming out of reach as a career. Ever the optimist, however, and constantly looking for ways to improve the quality of life for him and his aging aunt, he considered other options outside of farming that might prove successful.
The village was positioned next to a river with no place to cross nearby. The villagers, and the people living on the other side, would walk downstream to where the river fanned out in a wide area through a packed gravel bed making crossing easy, with water at most, ankle deep. But it was still a two mile walk and took time from their day.
Jonathon decided that building a bridge across the river and charging a small toll to those wishing to cross might provide an opportunity for a better life. The people using it would save time and he could collect a livable wage. With what little savings remained, he bought the small area at the river’s edge and secured the lumber and other materials required for the bridge.
In his current state of health, Jonathon found building the bridge to be a challenge. Luckily, many of the villagers who he had helped in years past assisted him and before long, the bridge was finished. It was sturdy and well-constructed, complete with a shack to provide shade and shelter as Jonathon waited for people to cross so he could collect the tolls.
On the other side of the river across from the village lived the three Goet brothers. They were fortunate enough to be land owners as their grandfather had secured the plot they lived on decades earlier. Unfortunately, much of the land they possessed was not arable.
Most of Grandfather Goet’s land consisted of a rocky hillside, and while offering great views of the river, the village, and flatlands below, it could not be farmed. That fact did not stop him from trying though – it was his land and he would make it work. In any area where something could possibly grow, he planted a fruit tree or grapevine. Over the years, this resulted in a sort of patchwork orchard and vineyard that was spread out across the rugged slope.
Grandfather Goet may have secured the land and started the orchards and vineyards, but it was the parents of Goet brothers who made them thrive. Both were hard workers and learned what each tree and vine required to produce the most fruit possible. Their skills were taught to all three sons and each became expert at plant care. After both parents had passed, the brothers, who were also very good friends, determined to keep the land intact and work together rather than divide it amongst themselves.
One afternoon in late spring, William Goet looked down from the hillside toward the river. The construction he had been eying for weeks was nearly finished and he was practically giddy. A bridge had appeared and it would save a lot of time for the family. Without question, he and his brothers would be able to get more of their fruit down to the village to sell. He was all too aware that in especially productive years, some fruit would spoil because the walk around to the village limited how much they could deliver. The bridge changed this picture.
At the same moment he was gleeful, he was frustrated at himself. In retrospect, a bridge to cross was what they needed long ago and he was upset that he had not thought of such a thing himself. After all, building a bridge was not out of the realm of his skillset, given that he had created a rather ingenious delivery system to get water from the river to the orchards and vineyards some years ago. In spite of his frustration, he focused on the benefits the bridge would give him and his brothers, Michael and Farley. They would now have a closer route to the village which could only help them have a more successful year. For that he was happy.
In the latter part of summer, Farley approached the bridge with what he figured would have been the fifth cart of grapes that would have gone to waste in prior years. The youngest of the Goets had inherited his mother’s traits and as the smallest brother, spent much of his growing up time alongside her working the vines. He loved it and was happiest when he was amongst them. As he crossed the bridge, the young man who worked at the bridge exited the shack to collect the toll which Farley willingly paid in bunches of grapes. It was a pretty good deal given how much extra fruit he had sold in to the villagers that year.
William arose early, and headed outside to clean up from the windstorm last night. Thankfully, it had not been too strong and the damage had been minimal. Still, it broke a couple of weaker branches on one of the older apple trees and he was doing some pruning to it to help it recover. He looked down from his ladder toward the river and the bridge as the sun burst from the horizon.
By now, he knew the guy who built the bridge was none other than the young man who was hurt so badly in the mining accident late last year – Jonathon, was it? William did not know him well, but had watched what he had been doing over recent weeks and had been impressed with all the work he had done down by the bridge. For a guy who nearly died and had struggled so recovering, he was industrious! He had cleared out some of the brush by the river to give the berry plants that grew there more space to thrive. Also, he now had some chickens and had fenced in an area for them and built a coop from some branches and mud. An addition to the shack was also underway.
William’s mind strayed. He thought that if Jonathon was a fourth brother with his work ethic, they would be growing some plum trees and he wouldn’t have to trade apples in the village to enjoy his favorite fruit. He glanced back down at the bridge and saw Jonathon helping an old woman cross with some sort of big stick in her hand and realized it was his neighbor.
It was an early morning when Mrs. Paisley walked to the bridge using the handle of a broom to steady her step. She lived just north of the Goets and was heading to the home of her daughter and son-in-law at the edge of the village to take them the new broom she finished making last night. It was the least she could do to thank them for the delicious meal of venison and potatoes just days before.
Earlier that year, she had thought she might have to move in with her daughter as the walk from the rocky slopes was quite long for a woman in her twilight years. She loathed the idea of her daughter having to come so far from the village to check on her. The bridge changed all that – now mother and daughter lived quite close and Mrs. Paisley would be able to keep her independence, for now anyway.
Jonathon greeted her warmly and in spite of her demands to compensate him for using the bridge, he declined. He knew she was poor and was just happy his bridge brought the mother and daughter greater opportunities to visit each other. Besides, he could make a sufficient living on tolls from people who could afford to pay them. Because of her fear of the height of the bridge, Jonathon took her by the arm to ease her anxiety and walked across with her.
William looked down the hillside and stared as Michael stood on the bridge conversing with its owner. As the self-appointed guardian of the Goets due to both his age and burly size, he felt responsible for his brothers’ actions and he always thought Michael was too much of a socialite. Still, he could not deny the benefit that Michael’s socializing brought the brothers and it was a skill that neither he, nor the shy Farley possessed.
It had only been an average year for peaches, but with the extra time Michael had from using the bridge to secure supplies and deliver the peaches, he frequented some of the pubs in the area. He was able to make some deals and alliances with other farmers that would pay dividends to the brothers in the years to come. For that, William was grateful. He wished he had more of Michael’s style and finesse in talking with the other farmers, but he tended to be all business in dealing with them and it wasn’t the best approach for building alliances. Good thing Michael had it!
Since apples were the last to ripen, it was early fall when the brothers began harvesting. It had been a great year for apple production and William was loading the third cart that day to take to the village. His brothers had already returned from taking the first two and he would take this last one. He was part of the way across the bridge and admiring the addition to the shack – it was built well and constructed in the same careful manner that he himself would have done it. He saw an older woman sitting in a chair in front of the shack, sewing something. Just then Jonathon came out with a plate of food handing it to the woman, his aunt, who was making some curtains for the new addition.
William noticed Jonathon’s limp as he neared. Poor guy – he had really been hurt in that mining accident that everyone in the area knew of. Would he ever fully recover? Maybe it was a good thing he had this bridge to help him make a living. Jonathon greeted him with a smile – he always seemed so friendly and upbeat in spite of his challenges and he had definitely earned William’s respect and admiration because of it.
Jonathon introduced his aunt who had just moved up from the village and William paid him some apples to cross the bridge. It was the end of the season and he was not going to hurry home after this last delivery. Michael had coached him some on the art of socialization and he planned on hanging out in one of the pubs – maybe he could meet someone new. For a guy who usually sent his little brothers to run the errands in the village, relaxing in a pub was outside of his comfort zone, though today he was looking forward to it.
It was dusk when William started his return from the village. Overall, the fruit trees and grapevines had gifted the brothers a great year of production – not the most fruit their land had yielded, but their most profitable ever, in large part because of the bridge.
Several chickens were meandering around the front of the bridge and as he approached it with his empty cart, they scurried out of the way. He greeted Jonathon and told him how thankful he was this year that they had the bridge to make their fruit deliveries – it had been so helpful! He asked about how his recovery was going and mentioned how nice it was to have his aunt and him as neighbors.
Jonathon approached him from the front of the shack with a small wooden box in hand. He thanked William for his kindness and mentioned how much he enjoyed getting to know his younger brothers over the summer. He and Michael had become especially good friends. He said he knew it wasn’t much, but he hoped William and his brothers would enjoy what was inside the box. William looked down and saw that it contained a half a dozen eggs and a few handfuls of the berries that grew alongside the river. Thanking Jonathon once again, he placed it in the cart, finished crossing the bridge, and headed up the hill.
Commentary and Explanation
If you haven’t guessed by now, the story I have written above is sort of a parody of the traditional child’s tale of “The Three Billy Goats Gruff”. I am sure most have heard it in their early years, but if not, it can be found easily enough online. From a high level, the original story tells of three goats wishing to cross a bridge to eat the tender grass on the side, but it is guarded by a wicked troll who would like nothing more than to eat them. I tried to keep some similarities between my version and the original. Consider the common features or both stories:
- There is a Troll (or troll, as the case may be)
- There are three Goets (or goats, as the case may be) living on some rocky ledges.
- There is a bridge over a river manned by the Troll/troll.
- The Goets/goats stand to gain some benefit by crossing the bridge
The rest of the stories are far different from one another. In fact, aside from the title of my tale, it might be difficult for the reader to realize that “The Three Billy Goats Gruff” was the inspiration behind it.
I came up with “The Three Brother Goets Tough” as a means to help explain to LDS friends, family, and acquaintances why I no longer attend, nor have any interest, whatsoever, of coming back to church. I value all relationships with Mormons and do not want to hurt them by oversharing the pathway that led me out. Discussing “The Three Brother Goets Tough” through the remainder of this paper should prevent the type of oversharing I have seen damage relationships when a friend or family member determines to leave Mormonism.
As one who has largely left my LDS tribe behind, I find that there are two things I yearn for. First, I do not want my ward members to feel pity or sorrow for me – I am the same person and feel both joy and guidance in what I am doing. Second, I desire simply for others to understand why I have chosen to leave. It is for this second reason that I wrote my parody that I will use to hopefully increase that understanding in what I think will be a nonthreatening way. Being validated for actions is something we humans truly want and I am a victim of that desire. On to explaining myself…
Let’s just suppose for a moment that the traditional story of the “The Three Billy Goats Gruff” was the history and doctrine of the LDS Church I was taught and accepted as being true both growing up and through decades of my adulthood. Midway through my life, I find out that the real history and doctrine is much more like “The Three Brother Goets Tough”. The difference between these two stories adequately describes the chasm between what I was taught as truth by the church and what I learned really was true – yes, it was that different!
Learning of the true history of the church was a VERY painful discovery. I came about it simply because I was teaching one of the older classes in Primary, the topic being church history, and I wanted to do a good job. I had the time to spend enriching my lesson and bringing the history to life for the kids – or so I thought. It was easy to find journal entries, affidavits, and other written materials from early prominent church members online and substantiate “The Three Brother Goets Tough” version of church history all the while being told that as a primary instructor, my duty was to teach “The Three Billy Goats Gruff” and testify of its truthfulness. This was not an easy request to fulfill and caused feelings of dread and anxiety since being honest was a trait I had learned was important.
As painful as learning the true history was for me, it pales in comparison to the deception that the Church had successfully been carrying out. I simply could not understand why the Church – my “true” Church that emphasized the importance of developing integrity – taught a dishonest history and manipulated members into passing on misinformation all while it knew and suppressed the truth. I felt extreme frustration when in 2017 the topic of church history would be taught using the exact same manual I used four years ago for Primary. Looks like the legacy of “The Three Billy Goats Gruff” and attending dishonesty would go forward again. Unbelievable!
Apologists and others stalwart members who have taken on the duty of defending the church erroneously believe that people like me leave because we were disturbed by the history. That might be true in a limited number of cases. But the bigger issue amongst those in my shoes is not the inaccuracies in the history, but the Church’s deception of hiding the truth. To me, the historical differences are a night light while the deception itself is a panel of stadium lights used to illuminate the field at the Super Bowl. If the Church could only apologize for the deception, it would go a long way for the disaffected, but those in positions of high authority have stated that it will never say it is sorry for anything. I guess an institution that is deemed "perfect" has no need for sorrow or repentance.
Now, I want to take my comparison of “The Three Billy Goats Gruff” and “The Three Brother Goets Tough” to a higher level – a spiritual one. I am talking about how LDS members receive a witness of truthfulness from the Spirit about what they are taught and learn. This area is probably the most important one I will discuss in this essay and a core reason why returning to the LDS Church is not in my cards.
I had spiritual experiences and manifestations within the context of “The Three Billy Goats Gruff” that I came to “know” were true. For example, I prayed and I knew, “beyond a shadow of a doubt” that the three billy goats were, in fact, goats. I knew this for years because of the feelings I had from what I had been taught was the Spirit. That same Spirit manifested to me that the troll was bad – there was no way I could deny this. What is a person to do with such a testimony when it is learned that that goats were not real goats, but were brothers with the last name of Goet? And what about Jonathon Troll? He wasn’t a wicked troll, but probably one of the most decent fellows a person might call a friend.
I guess what I am saying, is how on earth can spiritual manifestations be reconciled when it is discovered that the context in which they occurred was false? I simply cannot do it and I feel there are others in my shoes.
I tried desperately to hang on to Mormonism for some years trying to make the faith work. Neither my wife and daughters nor members of my ward family had any idea how difficult this lengthy struggle would prove to be for me. At first, I thought I could help the Church come clean with its history in lessons I could present to my High Priest Group. Maybe I could even expand people’s thinking to be more accepting of the lesbian and gay community. But eventually I was no longer asked to teach.
In Sunday School, it became very hard to fill in for teachers of the teen classes from time to time because I knew just how inaccurate many of the lessons were – the differences between “The Three Billy Goats Gruff” and “The Three Brother Goets Tough” were just so obvious to me now and it was next to impossible not to bring that up in discussion. Still, I fought to stay in until over several years, I realized that the LDS Church does not want people like me around. There are countless people in the church that are happy with things the way they are and the institution does not want to change that.
Ultimately, there were other reasons that led to my leaving and they are explained quite well in a blog post from an active LDS member. Everything Professor Petersen lists describes me. But I cannot deny that the deception and ongoing dishonesty, for me, come out on top as reasons to abandon Mormonism. It might look to some that I “just suddenly quit going to church”, but know it was a carefully thought out decision that took some very serious soul searching over YEARS to make.
Please do not feel sorry for me because in the end, I find that what I experienced was not a “faith crisis” as so many in Church are taught in this day. It was simple human development regarding someone who is seeking goodness and integrity as guiding principles to live by. I feel led in what I do and have an overabundance of joy and happiness in my life. Ironically, I find that my love of others and humanity has increased by leaving the LDS Church – the institution that played a major part in planting the seed of love in my heart.
No, I won’t be back to church. To me, Mormonism has become the rocky, inhospitable slopes and ledges that became the land for the Goets. You can argue that they made the land productive – and that cannot be questioned. There are many people in the church who make it productive in their lives and are content. I am happy for them. But there are those of us who simply cannot cultivate what is required to survive in that environment.
I’ll be down by the village – I like it here and it suits me just fine. But please, let’s not let religious beliefs become a wall that divides us. We can still have the type of respect for one another that William developed for Jonathon. The friendship that Jonathon developed with all three of the Goet brothers is a good thing and there is always some neutral ground, like his bridge, where we can meet up and share our commonalities.
Finally, please know that if you are really struggling up on the ledges and find it inhospitable – come on down. Like Jonathon did for Mrs. Paisley, I can take you by the arm and help you cross the bridge safely to the other side. There’s a lovely village here where you will find friends and companionship.
The artwork in the title above is from a painting entitled "Still life of grapes, peaches and an apple in a wicker basket on a ledge" by William Hammer, a Danish artist who lived during the 19th century.